Written by D! News Wednesday, 27 May 2009 00:00
A Chicago society page brought to you by Mike Ditka Street Crew’s panel of one
This Week: How Franklin Delano Roosevelt, a one-ton robot, and a colony of nudists saved the United States Navy; Babes go wild for Frank Klopas; We make one too many Pam Anderson references; and a popular Section 8 anthem’s shocking connection to New York City!
1) D! News on Tour: Soccer and Romance in the big city
Some of the greatest romantic comedies in cinema history are set in New York City. So it should come as no surprise that the story of the May 24th Chicago vs. New York game is best told through the lens of four romantic comedies.
You’ve Got Mail
The Film: Book store baron Joe Fox trades romantic e-mails with an anonymous internet gal pal for the better part of the film. After failing to pull the trigger on an actual, in-person meeting, Joe Fox finally learns that his internet love is (surprise!) his rival; an independent bookstore owner.
The Game: During the first 44 minutes of the game, both teams played tentatively and failed to pull the trigger on any sort of coherent offensive attack. The Fire looked as lost as Joe Fox while they tried to probe New York’s defense for weakness.
Annie Hall
The Film: Knowing the outcome is irrelevant to the plot in this classic Woody Allen flick. In the opening monologue he tells the audience of his ultimate fate when he utters the line “Annie and I broke up, and I still can’t get my mind around that”. Yet the riveting storyline develops independently of this introductory spoiler.
The Game: The Fire were supposed to win. The media knew it. The fans knew it. This year’s Chicago squad is just too strong to fall to a shaky New York team with scant home field support. In a way, Chris Rolfe’s goal came as no surprise. His inevitable success was clear from the very beginning. Yet the game continued to develop its own rhythm, independent of the Fire’s manifest destiny.
When Harry Met Sally
The Film: Two University of Chicago grads move to New York only to find that true love isn’t so easy. Also, Meg Ryan fakes an orgasm in a diner, thus ingraining herself into any pop culture discussion about sex.
The Game: Wilman Conde used his impeccable positioning and strength to win headers and drive long balls away from the Fire’s net. At no time during the game does he fake an orgasm.
Big
The Film: Child-turned-grownup Tom Hanks learns some tough lessons about life, love and being an adult. Along the way, he reminds a few adults how to harness their inner child.
The Game: Like a child out of his element, New York forward Juan Pablo Angel blew multiple scoring chances against the Fire in the second half. His adult body earned him the chance to net an equalizer against the Fire. But like a kid in a corporate boardroom, he just couldn’t nail the final presentation.
Does this mean Angel is washed up? Big fortune teller Zoltar says “Reply hazy, try again”. Damn you Zoltar!
2) Baton down the hatches and break out the bell bottoms! The Navy’s in town.
During the past few decades, New York fleet week has become a cultural institution. On May 24th, the Chicago Fire stumbled into the middle of this annual social gala and earned a hard-fought win against Red Bull New York. But this was just one small event. It was merely one stitch within the larger fabric of fleet week.
So how exactly did fleet week become such a significant event in New York social history?
Strange as it may seem, the modern day fleet week exists partly because of America’s 32nd president and partly because of a small-but-dedicated colony of nudists.
The years between the first and second world wars heralded an international spirit of military expansion. While the U.S. languished under the effects of the great depression, many of its international rivals stockpiled military equipment and bolstered the size of their armed forces.
Sensing that American morale was fading, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt searched for a decisive way to raise the spirits of both the military and civilian populace. Roosevelt commissioned the inaugural “fleet week” to coincide with the California Pacific International Exposition of 1935. That summer, 114 ships and 60,000 sailors descended upon San Diego to showcase the might of the U.S. Navy.
While tours of Navy ships were popular with the public, the display that brought the most attention to the exposition was the Zoro Garden Nudist Colony. According to the San Diego Historical Society, this colony was composed of “topless women and bearded men in loincloths, who read books, sunbathed and acted in pseudo-religious rituals to the Sun God.” Perhaps not surprisingly, this voyeuristic exhibit was the most popular and lucrative in the entire exposition.
The exposition also featured the robot Alpha; a 2,000 pound android. According to the exposition’s official guide, this electronic humanoid could roll its eyes, open its mouth, shake its head, sit down, and fire a revolver. Aside from the “shake head” part, it sounds like Alpha has a lot in common with New York wide receiver Plaxico Burress.
Snap! That’s right! We’re not afraid to tell jokes that are six months too late!
3) FDR Fever: Grab hold of it!
Many pundits assume that fleet week and massive public works projects were the only big ideas to spring forth from Roosevelt’s precocious mind. But that assumption would be a terrible mistake.
An adult victim of polio, Roosevelt lost the ability to walk when he was 39 years old. However, Roosevelt attempted to conceal his physical handicap by inventing the double-armed lean technique. Keeping an aide on either on either arm, Roosevelt was able to create the impression that he was actually capable of standing upright and walking.
Despite the passage of time, the double-armed lean continues to impact our daily lives. The advent of this technique, coupled with the suspension of disbelief, made the madcap Weekend at Bernie’s films entirely possible. The technique also allows drunken Wrigleyville “yo dudes” to keep up their hope of scoring with both the sick and incapacitated.
Oh, and apparently Paris Hilton’s bouncer is a bit of an FDR history buff himself. The world is filled with such literary people. Who would have guessed!
4) D! News Supports America’s Navy
An integral part of fleet week in New York is the general public expressing support for America’s armed forces.
So when D! News editors saw this lonely sailor at a karaoke bar in Chelsea, we made sure to buy him a few drinks. We know New York’s a tough town, but some hardened hooligans stole the very shirt off this naive young sailor’s back. Wag of the finger to you New York!
5) Fashion Fail: The Hammer
In the 1990s, it was Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. This past year it was Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. Now it’s Denis Hamlett and his red polo shirt.
Some nightmare couples just can’t figure out a way to permanently break things off.
We understand that it was muggy in New York this past weekend, but that was no excuse for the Fire coach to drop the classic shirt and tie look he’d been sporting successfully all season. Seeing his garish red shirt tucked into a pair of light khaki pants was like watching your junkie cousin relapse after a year of clean living. It was painful, yet predictable.
Hamlett had made such impressive strides with his single-tone tie style this season. We hope he finds his way back to fashion rehab!
6) Overheard!
“Right now, I’m more interested in Frank than what’s happening in the game.”
-- Anonymous female fan at the New York game, referring to Chicago Fire Technical Director Frank Klopas. The ol’ Silver Fox sat one section away from traveling Section 8 fans at the Meadowlands, and impressed the ladies with his tailored suit and brooding attitude. Grab a pen and take some fashion notes Denis Hamlett!
7) D! News Babe of the Week™
Dubbed “The Marilyn of the 1990s” by one industry insider, the Czech bombshell broke onto the New York fashion scene as a Guess jeans model. Herzigová later had success as a Wonderbra, Victoria’s Secret and Playboy model. Obsolete culture junkies will remember Herzigová’s depiction of the Roman goddess Venus during the 2006 Winter Olympics opening ceremonies.
Herzigová was briefly married to Tico Torres, the drummer from rock band Bon Jovi. At the time, the couple was living Sayreville, New Jersey. Which is kind of like New York. In the same sense that telling your high school friends that your girlfriend lives in Indiana is kind of like having a real girlfriend. “Guys, you can’t meet her because she goes to boarding school. I swear!”
8) S8OT First: A sitting ovation!
Maybe it was the heat. Or maybe it was the humidity. More likely than not, it was the hangover. Reasons aside, Section 8 supporters sat down through the entire second half of the game at the Meadowlands.
Has Section 8 hit its late Pamela Anderson stage? Let’s hope the next Section 8 group to go on tour has a little bit more energy!
9) Line Item: Don’t Stop Living in New York City
Most Fire fans are familiar with Section 8’s soccer anthem “Don’t Stop Living in the Red”. Fewer fans realize that the song was taken from Michigan speed metal rocker Andrew W.K.
Moreover, the song comes from the same album in which Mr. W.K. extols the virtues of the Big Apple in his song “I Love New York City”. With lofty lyrics such as “I love New York City/ Oh yeah,” and “Oh oh oh/ New York/ Oh oh oh,” Mr. W.K. leaves little room for interpretation.
Now that this scandal has been brought to light, will Section 8 continue to sing an anthem penned by a known New York lover? We think it’s a slippery slope to cut off “Living in the Red” so hastily. After all, chants such as “We Love You Fire” and “Bring the Ruckus” were written by New Jersey and New York residents respectively.
10) Next Week!
We actually write the “Meet the Capos” issue, as promised. Either that, or we get lazy and write a last-minute column based entirely on the best party beaches in the world.
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